


I Meant What I Said

by Diaphonie



Category: Original Work
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-30 00:52:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15085460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diaphonie/pseuds/Diaphonie
Summary: In which Ash has no idea how to reciprocate those three little words and Grier has no control of his emotions or his chainsmoking habit.





	I Meant What I Said

Ash rolled over in bed, hands instinctively reaching out to find Grier and draw him close. Normally his boyfriend was practically laying on top of him, so when his fingertips found only cold sheets in the space beside him, Ash knew something was amiss. He cracked his bleary eyes open, but the darkness held no clues to Grier’s whereabouts. How long had he even been asleep? The digital clock on the nightstand read 3:48 AM and he couldn’t help but smile. Six months ago he would only just be starting on his third cup of coffee at this hour. He’d have been up to his elbows in a tangle of wires, tinkering with god-knows-what and not even considering going to bed. That was one thing gaining a boyfriend had resolved. One issue of many, he was sure.

He gestured lazily toward the desk lamp by the clock and it flickered to life illuminating the room in a warm glow. Ash pulled himself to the edge of the bed and rubbed his eyes until his surrounding became less hazy. This was weird for a number of reasons. Grier usually didn’t even get up to pee in the middle of the night without whispering a soft “I’ll be right back” into his ear. And Ash was many things, but a heavy sleeper was not among them. He frowned at the mess that was his bedroom and took note of the fact that his boyfriend’s clothes were missing from the place he’d folded and stacked them as well. He hadn’t actually left, had he? Without saying goodbye?

Ash found the hoodie Grier had loaned him and threw on over his bare chest. It came down well over his thighs and the first time he’d put it on Grier’s eyes may well have formed actual heart shapes and he had insisted that Ash keep it. Truth to tell, he’d found himself ‘borrowing’ a lot of Grier’s clothes from then on. His footsteps were muffled by the worn carpet of his apartment as Ash went from room to room looking for Grier. The bathroom light was off and the door hung wide open. The living room was empty and the kitchen was too. It wasn’t a very big apartment and Grier was fairly hard to miss. That left only one place.

The window that afforded access to the fire escape was cracked ever-so-slightly and let a cool stream of air into the room. Ash slid it open wider and could smell the cigarette smoke even before he poked his head out. Grier was leaning his elbows against the metal railing and surveilling the street below, a half-smoked cigarette hanging limply from his fingertips. “Hey, you,” Ash said as he pulled himself through the window, “thought you’d left me for a minute there.” Grier hummed a non-committal reply and took another drag. The smoke from his exhale billowed up over the rooftop of the building next door, light pollution assuring its visibility for far longer than was typical. 

Ash moved to stand next to him, leaning his back against the railing and bumping his boyfriend’s hip lightly with his own. “You alright? I’m supposed to be the brooding one, you know.” Something was definitely off, Ash could see it in the hard lines of Grier’s expression. Usually, his face was open and expressive and full of a joy that bubbled just below the surface. He just seemed...stiff. It was unnatural.

Grier took a deep breath. He didn’t turn to face Ash as he replied. “I guess I’m fine. Just have a lot on my mind. I couldn’t sleep, but I didn’t want to disturb you.” His voice was flat and quiet, devoid of the lightness and lilt that usually marked his words. 

“You always disturb me, weirdo,” Ash deadpanned. That was just the sort of comment that would normally pull a chuckle out of Grier, but the man remained silent. Ash craned his head around for a better look at his face and what he saw he didn’t like. Not only had all his humor been drained away, but it seemed like there was no emotion left at all. Grier’s gaze focused somewhere in the middle distance as if his thoughts were millions of miles away from where the pair stood in the warm summer air of the city. 

He hummed a little again, this time a little less neutral. Ash took it as a bad sign. He’d seen Grier sad before, over things Ash couldn’t really comprehend himself. He’d seen him angry before, too. That was the thing about Grier: you never had to guess what he was feeling. He didn’t just wear his emotions on his sleeve, he waved emotional flags in your face and shouted at you about how he felt. The man literally wept thinking about the Library of Alexandria. “Okaaaayyy…” Ash said, backing off a little, “I’m sorry. That was a dumb joke.” He didn’t know how to handle this. Whatever this was. His fingers fidgeted with the hem of the oversized hoodie and he suddenly wished he’d thought to grab a pair of pants.

Still, Grier didn’t reply. He just took a final drag of the cigarette and stubbed it out in the little ashtray they’d picked up at a dollar store months ago. Ash let his gaze follow Grier’s hands and was surprised to find the little ceramic dish nearly overflowing. And Grier was pulling the pack out from his jeans pocket, fishing for another. Ash jumped to attention and placed a hand over his boyfriend’s, halting the familiar motion. “That’s probably enough, man.” Personal freedoms aside, Grier was not a chain smoker. Ash had watched his father smoke his way through two packs a day for years. “You’re gonna wreck your singing voice this way.” It was the least of his worries if he was telling the truth, but it was all he could think to say to keep the conversation light.  
For the first time, Grier sent a look his way and it wasn’t a happy one. He pulled his hands away and took a step back. Ash watched wordlessly as he managed to light up again and pull a very long drag. “Go back to bed, Ashley,” he said on the exhale, shoving the box back into his back pocket. “I’ll be in later, okay?”

It was a tempting offer and for a split second, Ash considered just crawling back through the window and going back to sleep. It would be an easy way out of this bizarre situation, at the very least. But there was something broken in Grier’s voice that he couldn’t ignore. He shook his head, blue fringe flopping down over his face. “Nah. It’s a nice night. I’d rather, you know, enjoy it with you.” The smile he wore was tense. It faltered and fell as soon as it was constructed, so he went back to avoiding eye contact and seeming very interested in the construction of his jacket.  
Grier sighed and scrubbed at his face with his free hand, knocking his glasses out of place. “I told you already. I have a lot on my mind,” he reiterated, adjusting his frames. “I’ve just gotta sort some things out, you know?” 

Ash bit his lip and looked at his boyfriend quizzically. “Is it something I could help with?” This wasn’t his area of expertise, that much was true. “I don’t…” His words trailed off, unsure of how to express exactly what he meant. A hundred options presented themselves, but none was perfect so none passed his lips.

“Not really,” Grier replied, shaking his head slightly. “I mean, maybe? I don’t know.”

It wasn’t much, but it was progress and Ash latched onto it immediately. “Try me,” he said, allowing a note of hope to creep in at the edges of the words. 

Grier took another deep breath and rolled his head on his shoulders. He still didn’t look back at Ash and that was, at least, something he could relate to. He spoke his next words almost inaudibly and directly to his shoes. “I just...I meant what I said. Earlier.”

The bottom fell out of Ash’s stomach. Earlier? How much earlier? Grier spent the majority of his time talking incessantly, so it was difficult to place exactly when ‘earlier’ was meant to mean. Ash narrowed his eyes and mentally scrolled backward through their night in an attempt to pinpoint what Grier was referring to. And it hit him all at once in a wave of realization. “Oh,” he said, heat rising in his face, “You mean when we...when you…” _When we were having sex. You mean the thing you said when we were having sex._  
“Yeah,” Grier said flatly. “Then.”

An entirely different silence fell between them. Suddenly Ash felt entirely too awkward for his own liking. He could feel his own posture stiffen to match his boyfriend’s. They’d discussed sex, sure. But this was something else entirely. “Oh,” he said. He could almost see the word floating away on Grier’s next smoky exhale. 

After a moment of silence, Grier looked up at him. The pain in his eyes was impossible to ignore. “So, yeah,” he said with a crack in his voice. He cleared his throat and shifted nervously, looking away again. More than anything up to that point, it was Grier looking sheepish and anxious that sent the biggest pang through Ash’s heart. “I said what I said and I meant it. And you...you didn’t…”  
“And I didn’t say anything back,” Ash supplied. Another hundred thoughts whirled through his brain, but he was sure none of them would be helpful, so he stopped there. Fortunately, it seemed like that had been enough to open Grier’s floodgates once and for all.

“Yeah,” he said with the barest hint of anger in his tone, “You didn’t say anything at all. Not then and not in the time between then and when you basically passed out on me. Not a word. It was like you didn’t even hear me, Ash!” He’d turned to face Ashley directly now and the taller man could see tears beginning to form in his eyes. 

Ash wet his lips and swallowed roughly. In his mind, this had come out of nowhere, but it seemed like Grier had been thinking about it for a while now. “I’m sorry,” he said, reaching out to touch Grier’s arm. He knew that physical contact was usually soothing to him, but Grier backed himself against the railing, as far away from his touch as possible. 

Grier shook his head again and wiped the tears from his eyes before they had a chance to fall. He stubbed out the cigarette and pressed his lips into a hard line. “I was waiting to say it,” he said, “waiting for the right time for so long and in that moment I felt it so hard that it just...it just fell out of my mouth. And I’m so stupid for letting that happen.” His jaw was clenched so tight around his words that Ash was surprised he didn’t break any teeth. 

“It wasn’t- it wasn’t stupid, Grier.” He didn’t know how to explain himself in this moment. They’d talked about so many things: their stalled magical collaboration, their visions for the future, their passions and their preferences. But they’d never discussed their pasts in any great detail and never their past love lives. “It kind of caught me off guard, you know? I didn’t- didn’t expect…” but he let his voice trail off into nothing again. 

Grier scoffed. “What, you didn’t expect me to _love you_?” He raised his arms, completely exasperated and nearly shouted, “Well guess what? I love you, Ashley Gloss! I’ve loved you for a long time now and I’m not afraid to say it!” A hysterical laugh flew from his mouth as his hands fell back to his sides. “But I guess you are, huh? Or you just don’t feel the same way, right?”

Ash’s lip quivered. It had been a long time since he’d been on the receiving end of such an emotional outburst and it was deeply unsettling to say the very, very least. “No, it’s not- not like that at all.” His voice was small and he could feel the beginning of his own tears welling up in suddenly painful eyes. How was he supposed to explain this? How was he supposed to get out of this? 

“What is it like, then? I’m dying to know.” Grier’s voice dripped sarcasm and Ash was almost glad he was at least back to expressing himself in something of a Grier-like fashion. Almost. 

The truth was, alarm bells were sounding inside his head and drowning out anything sensible he could think of to say. He wanted to backpedal. He wanted to find some way to go back in time and tell himself to just stay inside. He wanted to run, but the space on the fire escape was small and the only place to go was back inside. That wouldn’t help at all. What would help? Could anything help? Why was he wasting time on these thoughts and not _saying_ anything?

Grier’s voice, quiet again and reserved, broke the spell. “Can you just...can you tell me I’m not alone here?” 

The threatened tears finally streaked down Ash’s cheeks and he wrapped his arms clad in too-long sleeves around his own thin frame. “You’re not,” he said in the smallest voice, his throat burning. “I just don’t know how to, you know, say it?” He looked back at Grier whose breath was heaving in his chest. He looked confused, with eyebrows knit together and head cocked to one side. Ash swallowed his own emotion and tried to clarify. “I’ve never...done this.” He waved a floppy sleeve between the two of them to indicate the words he couldn’t say. “And I haven’t felt that way about anyone in so long. Ever, probably. Not the way you meant it.”

Ash took cautious glances at Grier as the silent moments stretched on. It felt like an infinity had passed between them before he heard him take a long, deep breath and say, “Okay.” And even the word itself elongated into something barely recognizable. “I told you I was stupid for letting myself say it. And I feel even more stupid having thrown a fit over it.” 

His words were measured, but far more relaxed than they had been and that was a relief to Ash as well. Grier was so good at that, among other things. Ash could absolutely kick himself for not being able to force out the words he clearly wanted to say. “No,” he said, shaking his head again, “I’m the stupid one here. I should have known how much it would mean to you.” Ash finally met his boyfriend’s gaze properly. “You’re amazing. And you deserve someone who can say things like that. Someone who can actually articulate their emotions like an adult. I’m sorry.”

Grier smiled and it practically lit up the darkness of the early morning. He moved toward Ashley and outstretched his arms, inviting a hug. Ash fell into the embrace, only feeling a little regret. He felt a little manipulative, like he should have been the one doing the comforting in this situation. But Grier was warm and solid and nothing could have felt better in that moment. “Whatever it is that’s holding you back,” Grier said smoothly into Ash’s collarbone, “we can talk about it when you’re ready.” He gave the taller man a little squeeze before breaking the embrace and clamping his hands on Ash’s biceps and holding him at arm’s length. “You’re not getting rid of me that easy, Ashley Gloss. Not a chance.”

Ash laughed lightly and hung his head to look at Grier through his eyelashes. “That sounds like a plan.” And for once that night, the silence was warm and comfortable. He let the moment linger, glad to be in the company of someone so absolutely bright and kind. To be with someone who loved him, apparently. But a gust of wind blew through them and he shivered slightly. “You think we can go inside now? I’d really like to put a pair of pants on.”

Grier snickered and slid his hands down to grab at the taller man’s backside. “I dunno, I think I prefer you this way.” Ash stuck his tongue out at him and Grier retaliated by leaning up to place a peck on his cheek. “Fine,” he said, “back to bed with us both. I can grope you just as well inside, I guess.”

For all his talk, the actual groping was kept to a minimum. The sheets were cool in Ash’s bed when they slipped between them, but there was more than enough warmth in their hearts to make up for that.


End file.
